I had a truly lovely day and night:

I went for breakfast with an old friend of mine from high school. He and I were in a few classes together, including choir and it was nice to meet up with him after not seeing him for a couple years and still finding it easy to carry on a conversation. Not to mention that he paid for my breakfast and held the door open for me (girlfriend of four years not withstanding). He ended up making plans to invite me out later with some of our friends from choir.

After that, I headed home and practiced singing until it was time to pick my sister up from work. Our parents had been given a gift certificate for a massage at a ritzy spa in town for Christmas, but they'd decided not to use it, so Steph and I got to go instead. Free one hour massages = my life is perfect.

Then I got to come home, hang out for a little bit before being picked up (! Gasp! I never get driven anywhere!) to go to Karaoke with choir people, who are obviously the best people to do Karaoke with. Sang a few songs, saw some old friends (who bought all of my drinks; so nice!), and when we got tired of singing, Taylor, Krynski, and I went to a club to meet our friend Oz, where we proceeded to dance (and I was the least slutty girl in the bar, wearing jeans, a t-shirt, a hoodie and Chucks).

Essentially I spent the day being treated like a princess, and you know what?

I liked it.

Midterms, round 2:
Much more successful (I think).

Status on Anth100: Pass, 68% (63% class average; woohoo!)
Status on throat: Sore, again.
Sleep debt: accumulating interest faster than I can pay it off.

Murderous Impulses: In check.
Desire to Move: Nil.

Happiness Quotient: 6-7 / 10

http://www.pnas.org/content/100/13/7430.extract

I love singing best.

I realize that I am a solitary creature, but not by choice. Rather, I have spent so much time adapting to other people's systems, groups, sub-cultures, etc. that I haven't developed my own social system particularly well; I am not a leader.
I am a follower, a loyal follower, a passionate follower, an obedient follower, a silent follower.

I have been groomed to be a follower by my family, for my entire life. I am the youngest, and lowest on the totem pole. The power dynamic in my family is really interesting, I think because the power structure is fairly bizarre:

My father, from an economic standpoint, holds all the power. He is the sole-bread winner of the family, and so at the end of the day, he has the final say. What's interesting is how little he always seemed to exercise that power, when I was growing up. At least in terms of what we did on a daily basis; rather than make any goals of what he wanted to do, he would try to arrange a scenario that would cover what we all wanted to do, but this invariably became what my Mother wanted to do (because her presence/voice is the loudest). So it seems to me.

If my Mother wants to go shopping (and by god, she always does), she goes. She's the sort of person who aims to take care of her desires. I learned phrases from her like "Not everyone is going to like me, but you know what? Who cares?" and "Do what you want." While my dad might have more financial power, my mother is a much more vocal personality. She demands what she wants (I think she learned this was the way to get what you want), and fights for it. But she's also emotionally volatile at times, and my dad is never emotional. I learned phrases from him like "Win-win situation" and that "losing your temper never gets you what you want."

A lot of her emotional outbursts (anger, defensiveness, crying) fail to get her what she wants because my dad not only disagrees with that modus operandi, but - I think - doesn't actually understand it. For my dad, being yelled at doesn't say "I'm hurt, help me" it says "I think you're a jackass." But for my mother, being told to, essentially keep her emotions in check is a way of invalidating the way she feels.

As for where my sister and I fall in this, well, it's hard to say. I spend very little time around my whole family (a handful of moments over the past few years).

I guess in regards to Steph, I've often seen her as a role model. With very little stability coming from our actual mother, and with four years of experience on me, Steph has been a natural source of guidance, advice and comfort for me, and up until recently, our relationship had a definite imbalance of power. How could it not, when I looked to her for instruction half the time? Even by the end of living together for a year, there was an imbalance of power in that relationship, and I think what's really changed that the most has been the fact that I moved out on my own for the first time, and that I'm living in a way that suits me, but wouldn't suit Steph. I think that since I chose to live alone - something she would be afraid to do - my whole family's acknowledgement of my independence has increased.

Now, when Steph and I talk, we trade advice and comfort; we are more equal than we used to be, and partly I think that's because I've caught up to her enough for that to be the case. From now on, the different experiences and things we learn from will have a much greater impact on how we relate to eachother than our ages (though she will always be the older one).

In any case, that's just how I see my family.

I started off by saying that I am a follower. I guess that is an unfair statement. I have been a follower. I have been complacent, have allowed others to tell me what to care about, what rules to follow etc. I have not wanted enough, have not done what it takes to get what I want.

If I can learn something from my parents' behaviours, I hope it is compromise:

Wednesday, November 07, 2007.

If you cannot sing, dance, hum, whistle, snap, clap or head bang, you aren't human.

I just stayed up until 4:20am reading My Sister's Keeper, and bawling my eyes out because Oh My God this book is heartbreakingly sad.

I am going to wake up with bags under my eyes because of this.

The Dictionary.com word of the day is wanderlust.

I feel that this is appropriate.

I could never physically hurt someone on purpose. I could not withstand the stress of a soldier's life. I could not be brave in circumstances like that. And I really do not have discipline.

But, some part of me really wonders if I should do it. After university, maybe. How else will someone like me get any perspective? How else will I pay back what I owe?

I know there is evil in war and fighting, but I wonder if there isn't also the opportunity to do a lot of good. And a soldier is just another soldier, broken down with nothing left to set them apart.

Partly, I would like to change who I am.
Partly, I would like to leave the life I'm in, even if on the other side, this life will be all that I want. I want to want this. (What is "this?" It is everything. All the opportunity, the potential and the expectations.)
And partly, I am not proud to admit, I would like to live in a world where I am expected to do what I am told, and to do it well. Take my hands and make them useful, that's all I ask.

Should I change my major to History?