November 30, 2008

• I want to talk to someone. Really talk, for hours, about everything. I hate to admit it, but I'm lonely. Not in a way where I spend all my time in my apartment doing nothing, but that even when I do go out, it's about as satisfying. I've settled into a group of friends - more like Jesse's friends - who are uninspired. Passionate, maybe, but that passion only slips out for seconds at a time.

  I think Dana - Jesse's boyfriend - and I were designed to disagree. I barely know him, but every so often, when I see his opinions slip out, they're completely opposed to mine. If I'm being honest, I think I dislike him. Sometimes I wonder if I dislike him because I'm jealous. You know, the stereotypical best-friend envy because the boy is taking up a lot of her friend's time? I might have a little of that. I certainly don't spend any time talking to Jesse anymore. Not even a little bit.

  But I'm afraid to get to know him more. I get the sense that he might be stubborn, argumentative, opinionated. I get the sense that he would see me as fitting into a category in a world of black and white - I would be the bad one. Capitalist, too-priviledged. False, but somewhat true. I get the feeling that I would hate him a little too; there are some areas where I have a short temper.

  My temper has been worse lately. I'm stressed out, frustrated. I feel stifled. I want to talk.

  I want to talk and not feel selfish for talking about me. I don't only want to hear about me; I want to hear your stories too. I want to share them, pass them back and forth. Relate to eachother. But it seems that no one is interested in telling stories. Or hearing mine.

  I'm not okay with telling some of my stories. They're sad, angsty. Awful, horrible, joyless. I don't want to share that; I want to share happiness, light. But I wish someone would say "I don't care that this story is sad. I don't care, even if it's something that I wouldn't be sad about, because I care about you. I want you to tell me." I wish they would mean it. It's a friend's duty to be that person, to say those things, but sometimes "duty" is insincere. I want sincerity. Not "should" not "supposed to" but "want to."

  I do not have time to feel this way right now. I do not have time for a "me" day. I need to study, to do readings. To write a paper. I do not have the time to waste on being a person.

  I hate that life does this to us.

  • 10:18 pm
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